Giving up on Apologizing

I’ve been thinking about giving up on apologizing. Or rather, giving up on apologizing for things that are not my fault or do not warrant an apology. 

This topic came to mind when a colleague asked me to do something for him last minute. He needed it done that day (Thursday) or Friday. Friday is my sabbath, which I fiercely protect, so I agreed to meet him at a certain time on Thursday, rearranging meetings and a visit in order to do what he needed. 

 Only when he arrived, I found myself apologizing for my limited availability. 

 Why? Why was I apologizing for something I no control over. He was the one who asked me last minute to do something. Why did I feel bad?

 An administrative assistant I know has an email signature that states “procrastination on your part does not necessitate an emergency on my part.” Somewhere along the line, I had picked up the message that it was my job, as a woman, to care for everyone. To be there for everyone. To work around everyone else’s schedules and be flexible.

Of course, this is just compounded when you also consider the misconception of the vocation of a pastor - to constantly be available. To always be “on”. 

In my early years of ministry, a wise pastor told me that you need to constantly teach people what an emergency is. If someone dies, yes, I want to know about it immediately. Same with hospitalizations. But a new ministry idea or Bible study question, those aren’t an emergency.

I was apologizing to my colleague because I wasn’t treating his procrastination as an emergency and I felt guilty about my lack of ability to accommodate him. I’m still working on re-writing the scripts in my head about what it means to be female and clergy - that I do not always need to be available for every single person every single time, because I’m not God. And if I live in a way where I am constantly available, I am on the slippery slope of putting myself in God’s place.